What is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is a specific kind of emotional abuse. Identifying and recovering from narcissistic abuse often requires a therapist who is well-versed in spotting the specific behaviors, traits, and patterns involved in a relationship with narcissistic features. When you have been hurt by someone with narcissistic traits, the “ground rules” for coping and recovery are fundamentally different from managing a normal unhealthy relationship.

Couples or family therapy is not recommended when abuse, especially narcissistic abuse, is present. Therapy involves sharing your feelings and becoming vulnerable; the abuser can be expected to use anything you say in therapy against you later, causing further harm.

Narcissistic abuse differs from general emotional abuse in that narcissistic abuse tends to be driven by the abuser’s need to appear special, powerful, or grandiose. In covert forms of narcissism, the narcissist may have a need to appear vulnerable or victimized. The behaviors of a narcissist are driven by focus on meeting their own validation needs, and may range from emotionally immature to calculated and intentional.

Narcissistic abuse tactics include behaviors designed to make the victim feel devalued, silenced, and highly controlled - sometimes in hard-to-see ways. These abuse patterns are meant to cause the victim to feel crazy, question reality, and doubt their own feelings and perceptions. These behaviors can be quite subtle, including

• circular conversation

• blame-shifting

• avoiding responsibility

• manipulating and gaslighting (denying reality, AND causing the victim to believe he/she is too sensitive, thin-skinned, or crazy for believing their own memories or perceptions) are common.

• exercising coercive control, such as limiting the victim’s access to social supports and enjoyable activities, controlling finances (i.e. double checking the grocery receipt when you get home, taking away your credit card, requiring you to ask before spending money on things you need)

• sequestering from social supports (i.e. causing the victim to lose their job, alienate family, or move to a new geographical location)

• utilizing a response pattern known as “DARVO” when you attempt to bring feedback or wounds to the attention of the abuser in hope of repairing the relationship.
  In the “DARVO” pattern, abusers Deny (“I never said that!”), Attack/Accuse (“You’re always making things up!”) and Reverse Victim and Offender (“I can never do anything right; I just feel so hurt that you keep criticizing me; this is abusive behavior, I need you to stop”).

There are many nuances to identifying narcissistic abuse since it can be overt or covert. Individuals with narcissistic traits and behaviors may be grandiose, vulnerable, and/or communal (want to appear humble and generous). If you wonder whether you are experiencing narcissistic abuse, please explore our resources page and request an appointment with Dr. Elizabeth.